


Am I enough?

by Satanisalwayscreaming



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Am I soft?? Absolutely, Do I love her??? ABSO FUCKING LUTELY, F/F, Hella self indulgence ngl mates, I just wanted this Josie pick me up okay???, So this is more flangst, not even really flangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:01:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26648689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satanisalwayscreaming/pseuds/Satanisalwayscreaming
Summary: How long as she made her unhappy?Her mind races, thinking back to the times they’ve spent together and wonders if Josephine was truly happy. She knows she would never have accepted her for the power, but a part of her nags about Josephine being pressured. What if she just accepted her because she was the Inquisitor? What if she said, yes, because she had no other choice?
Relationships: Female Inquisitor/Josephine Montilyet, Josephine & Cullen, Josephine & Leliana, Josephine Montilyet & Cullen Rutherford & Leliana, Leliana/Female Warden (Dragon Age)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	Am I enough?

**Author's Note:**

> Hewwo!! Honestly this is just self-indulgence at this point but comment below if you y'all want more or suggest anything to improve my writing or just liked it owo

“Oh my, you must tell me more!”  
  
She looks so happy—it makes the Inquisitor’s heartache. It aches in a way that steals her breath away, makes her pause and think _I love her so much_ , and it makes it ache because Josephine never seemed to smile that sweetly with her. There’s a twinkle in her eyes that Gianna has never seen and suddenly she feels like the world had gone from her feet.  
  
How long as she made her unhappy?  
  
Her mind races, thinking back to the times they’ve spent together and wonders if Josephine was truly happy. She knows she would never have accepted her for the power, but a part of her nags about Josephine being pressured. What if she just accepted her because she was the Inquisitor? What if she said, yes, because she had no other choice?  
  
A pit seemed to have suddenly lodged in her throat because she can’t bear to swallow. But she manages to school her expression, keeping herself calm as she watches Josephine awe and bedazzle the Count. He was in his prime and rather built well. He had the bluest of eyes, and his hair was as golden as Josephine’s dress. A rather chiseled expression and a blinding smile.  
  
Gianna can easily see why she’d like him.  
  
He looked every inch the young, optimistic, noble, and judging from the conversation they were having it was rather engrossing. With Josephine laughing loudly and the Count laughing just as hard with her. Gianna wonders when was the last time she ever made Josephine laugh that hard.  
  
Or if she ever made Josephine laugh that hard.  
  
Her thoughts spiral and she’s lucky she’s sitting outside the War Room, alone in the small hallway by herself. It gives her time to compose, time to reflect. Closing her eyes and breathing in the cold air that rushes in from the collapsed side of the wall.  
  
For a moment her thoughts are calm. The entire world fades away but the door must have opened because another peal of laughter reaches much clearer and her eyes snap open and Leliana and Cullen jump at her reaction.  
  
“Inquisitor?” Cullen asks clearing his throat. “Have we kept you waiting long?” He seems sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck apologetically.  
  
“Oh, no, you didn’t, Commander.” She smiles in response. “I was simply enjoying the cold.” She gestures to the collapsed wall and he nods. “I don’t think I want to fix that.”  
  
“I...see...Shall we start the meeting? Josephine said she’ll...follow us after a few minutes.” Leliana pipes up and she looks at the Inquisitor. “Or shall we wait for her?”  
  
“Let’s start,” Gianna says slowly rising. “Josephine can follow after.” She immediately heads towards the war room and opens the door. Not noticing the passing glance Cullen and Leliana share before the 3 of them enter.  
  


* * *

The Count was named Carius.  
  
He hailed from some noble family rising, and had promised to aid the Inquisition, being a pious family. Usually, Gianna didn’t mind having the nobles around. But with Carius, it was a different case. He had the same charming wit and presence Dorian has, managed to beguile Vivienne of all people, and even manages to make Cassandra light up.  
  
He was also the talk of Skyhold.  
  
As Inquisitor, she can’t really show any displeasure—especially not when everyone actually likes him. So it’s very awkward when conversation steers towards him or when he’s in the same room as she is. Not that she doesn’t like him—she actually had a decent respect for the young man and admired his drive and his passion.  
  
What annoyed her was the fact he and Josephine seemed glued together.  
  
Josephine was usually working with him and although it was her job, Gianna can’t help but feel insecure. Especially when lunch time or any free time was usually spent together—now it was spent with him. Sneaking away into the garden to eat and talk.  
  
It wasn’t long before everyone whispered about it as well.  
  
Their relationship was always an open secret—everyone knew of it. But seeing as what was happening with Carius and Josephine...it felt like a weird sort of fever dream that they were ever together. Josephine when she was around was sweet and doting, focusing on them and sometimes Gianna feels like they’re making a breakthrough but then Carius or anything reminds her of him, makes her immediately launch at the topic.  
  
Although she does miss Josephine talk this animated and excited with her, she does wish it wasn’t about him. Its rather awkward, hearing her gush about him and talk about things they’ve talked in great lengths. Gianna usually supported her but the more the days pass...she eventually finds herself wilting away.  
  
She hadn’t meant to disengage, but she found herself no longer being happy. There’s a sort of peace that clings to her, a resignation that Josephine isn’t hers anymore despite not talking to her about it and she knows she should talk about it but how could she broach such a topic? How could she when everyone was fawning over him. She wasn’t resentful—no she wishes she was but she was resigned. Growing up she knows she was never enough for her family.  
  
So it was foolish of her to think she would be wanted as well.  
  


* * *

“Do you think the Inquisitor is alright?”  
  
The topic is broached one meeting—the Inquisitor wasn’t around—she had business in the Frostback Basin and they had all gathered for a meeting and update check.  
  
“I would think so,” Josephine replies, curious. “Whatever brought this on?”  
  
“She seems a little...broodier than usual,” Leliana says looking over some of the files. “I was just wondering if you knew, Josie.”  
  
“Well...I think she’s doing okay. We haven’t really talked much recently.” She admits and shuffles through her own papers. “With the amount of work we’re both doing...its quite difficult to find a balance in our schedules.”  
  
“That’s true,” Leliana says. “But maybe you should check up on her?”  
  
Josephine looks up, meeting Leliana’s seemingly innocent gaze. “Is something amiss? Has she told you anything lately?”  
  
“I haven’t heard from her either,” Leliana says, placating her. “It’s just an observation, Josie...she’s been going on more solo outings recently. Haven’t you noticed?”  
  
“I...have.” She says a little defensively. “But she’s capable...and I don't really worry much about her.”  
  
“I see...” Leliana says and nods looking back at her reports. “Whatever is happening, I hope you and the Inquisitor sort it out.”  
  
“Whatever do you mean, ”happening“ between us?” Josephine asks coolly. “You know how much I dislike anyone poking in my affairs, Leliana. You would know that.”  
  
In the corner of her eye, Josephine can see Cullen sink deeper in his chair, trying to remain small and unnoticeable. His face covered by his own papers as he reads through his reports.  
  
“I didn’t mean anything by it,” Leliana replies, trying to soothe her. “People simply talk, Josie.”  
  
“That they do.” She sighs. “They always talk, especially in Val Royeux. But what, pray tell, were people talking about to get you to ask about my...affairs with the Inquisitor?”  
  
“You’ve spent an awful amount of time with Carius...it was bound to be talked about,” Leliana says slowly, testing the waters as if gauging Josephine’s reaction. “You would understand why there is talk.”  
  
“Carius is a friend,” she replies, a mix of genuine surprise and slight annoyance. “You know me better than that, Leliana. I—deeply cherish the Inquisitor.” She looks over at her, giving a rather pointed look.  
  
“I know,” Leliana replies with her own sigh. “But...I suppose the question would be, does the Inquisitor know? Does the Count know? His attention on you Josephine is quite flattering.” She meets her gaze coolly. “I’m simply saying is be careful, Josie...”  
  
“And I appreciate your counsel.” Josephine looks away and back at her papers. “Perhaps then...I shall have a talk with our Inquisitor, once she returns from her trip from the Basin.”  
  
“If you wish to only, Josephine,” Leliana says and looks at her papers then to Cullen who still had his papers to his face. “So, Commander, do you have anything to share?”  
  
“I—uh—" he fumbles a little, startling as he lowers the paper to meet Josephine and Leliana’s amused expressions. "I suppose a lunch break would be in order?"  
  


* * *

The return to Skyhold felt terrifying.  
  
It wasn’t that she hadn’t missed Skyhold and the impenetrable walls. Gianna missed it dearly. Knowing that she entombed in the safety of stone walls and roaming guards. She couldn’t think of a place any safer than Skyhold. Hell, she’d wager that it was a lot safer than the Winter Palace and the Royal Palace in Landsmeet was combined.  
  
What aggravated her was knowing what she had to do.  
  
Visiting the Avvar had been therapeutic—to say the least. With their less strict beliefs, and the fact she was considered ‘kin’ among them, it felt like she found her people. If it wasn’t for everything, she could honestly see herself leaving everything behind and settling down with the Avvar. With her own little hut by the forest—hunting for her meals and providing for the Hold.  
  
_Duty over self. The needs of the others before the needs of your own._ It was the mantra her Father and Mother instilled early on. She knew what she needed to do, and she had been putting it off for too long.  
  
But not anymore.  
  
A part of her argues maybe it could still work, maybe they could talk about it. Perhaps she was being dramatic. But she knows better. Josephine is sweet, she’s kind. She wouldn’t hurt a fly if she could. Josephine was all the good things in the world wrapped into one person. Gianna doesn’t deserve that—she doesn’t deserve her.  
  
Which makes the choice much easier.  
  
Her return to Skyhold was met with some fanfare. People waving excitedly and she smiles and waves back. She easily gets off her Hart and returns it to Dennet before she enters the castle. Though admittedly she was supposed to talk to Josephine, the idea of reuniting in her bed sounded like a lot better idea.  
  
Yet she knows such things couldn’t be avoided forever and no doubt Josephine had heard of her return.  
  
What she hadn’t expected as she climbed up the stairs, was to find Josephine waiting for her. Her expression was terrifyingly hidden and Gianna pauses, unable to hide her surprise and confusion before smiling. “Ambassador Montilyet, a pleasure.” She says bowing.  
  
“I simply wanted to see you, Inquisitor.” She smiles, kind, and soft. It reminds her of the time they had danced in the Winter Palace. Months had only passed but to Gianna, it felt like years. “Perhaps...we could catch up on your journey? I could have a small lunch arranged if you want.”  
  
This was suspicious. Was this how Josephine broke up with her partners? But she smiles nonetheless, a little bit excited at the prospect of eating proper food. “I would love that...” she smiles—managing a genuine smile for the first time in a while. “But I hope this doesn’t disrupt any plans you had with the Count today?”  
  
The mention of Carius makes Josephine’s smile waver for a few moments before she shakes her head. “Of course not, Inquisitor. I simply mean it would be nice if we talked for a while. In private.”  
  
It was getting more suspicious by the minute but Gianna nods along smiling. “Of course~ Where shall we have lunch then?”  
  


* * *

Josephine was genuinely worried.  
  
She hadn’t thought much of Leliana’s warning. Not even when Carius had dropped off a bouquet of flowers on her desk or scheduled a few late night walks with her when she had worked well past the day. She always assumed at the back of her mind that this wasn’t anything more.  
  
It wasn’t until he had attempted to hold her hand did it suddenly slide into place.  
  
The soft nudges, the gentle smiles, and the constant offer of stealing her away from work. It started adding up and suddenly she realized what Leliana meant when people talk. She cherishes the Inquisitor, cherishes her more than she could ever put into words.  
  
There was an ache whenever she thought about how the Inquisitor must have felt all of a sudden.  
  
She knows Gianna. Despite appearing like she had everything put together, she doesn’t. She knows her love overthinks, she knows that she’s too sensitive for court. Josephine has seen her sometimes late at night, sitting on the edge of her bed, face buried in her hands—the weight of the world resting on her shoulders.  
  
_“Are you okay?” Josephine had asked once before, wrapping her arms around the Inquisitor. “What’s wrong?”_  
  
_“I’m scared, Josephine...” Gianna replies, voice raw, her entire frame shaking and she sinks into her. “I’m terrified...what if I fail? What if I’m not enough?“_  
  
_“You are,” Josephine presses a kiss to the top of her head. “I know you are. That’s why you’re here.”_  
  
When was the last time the Inquisitor stopped by for non-work related queries? She was always ducking away, pressed behind the formal exterior she exudes around the other nobility. The realization hurts her—it sends little stabs in Josephine’s heart.  
  
But it also spurs her into action.  
  
The Inquisitor was away—having gone to the Frostback Basin and had given her ample time to sort her affairs. Starting with talking to Carius who she had confronted—or rather explained the situation to. It was a rather confusing affair, given that the Count didn’t believe that Josephine had beein in a relationship prior to their meeting—and throughout the time no one had been vocal about it. He didn’t seem to initially believe her at first either, until she mentioned that she was seeing the Inquisitor and Josephine has never seen someone retract their steps as fast as he did in her years in court.  
  
Although humorous, it did give her the proof of the rumors she heard from Leliana about what people thought was happening between her and the Inquisitor.  
  
So she waited anxiously, having requested Cullen to inform the guards to report to her as well when the Inquisitor will be returning. She had gone on another solitary trip to the Basin and she had heard from Cassandra that she didn’t want anyone going with her. It was dangerous, and Corypheus was still at large. But Josephine knows her, she knows she’s capable.  
  
Her anxiety didn’t quell until a messenger from the Hinterlands sent a raven saying the Inquisitor was on her way back—saying she looked rather well and brought along some Avvar who were willing to join their crusade against Corypheus. Immediately, Josephine started planning.  
  
She managed to rope Leliana in it—who was more than happy to help her set up one of the rooms for a private lunch affair. “If things go well, Josie, then you’ll need all the privacy~” She would tease much to Josephine’s embarrassment. But she cherished her friend’s input and promised that if Leliana was to need a planner for a welcome home party for Leliana and the Warden she would be more than happy to oblige.  
  
With all of it set, she had nothing more to do than wait. Standing every day at the entrance when she could and looking out as far as she could see. Waiting for the familiar face to pop up.  
  


* * *

“What’s this?”  
  
Gianna was curious, to say the least. The crowd all had eyes on them and although it wasn’t anything new, she was curious as to what Josephine had in store. She leads them to the garden and up the steps into one of the guest quarters. Josephine was nervous, wringing her hands and looking back ever so often that Gianna started feeling antsy.  
  
This was the break up, wasn’t it? She steels her nerves and she swore she was ready for it, but not even facing down Corypheus made the nerves any easier. But she needed to do this—she couldn’t keep holding Josephine back, she has so much to focus on, she’s got a life to live.  
  
But her thoughts are interrupted when Josephine clears her throat and pushes the door open, revealing a dimly lit room.  
  
“Josephine what is...?” She asks turning to the Josephine who seems surprised and lets out a flurry of apologies—followed by her moving inside, closing the door quickly behind her, and illuminating the room just enough for Gianna to see the table and chairs and what seemed to be food on plates. “Is there...something happening?”  
  
“I apologize, the candles and fireplace were supposed to be lit up!” She says frantically, using the candle on her board, she lights up the candles on the table and uses it to light the kindle for the fireplace. Her back is turned and her hands seem to be shaking but she kneels to light the fire up. “I am so sorry, Inquisitor! I had everything planned and I wanted to talk to you but this was an awful start for this all—”  
  
“Breathe,” Gianna says, slowly kneeling beside her and gently taking the kindle from Josephine’s hands and sets it on the fireplace. “Let me help you, you seem all over the place...did something happen?”  
  
Josephine opens her mouth, then closes it. But to her credit, she does take a deep breath and turns to face her. “I wanted to talk to you, Inquisitor. About us.”  
  
She nods, taking her own deep breath. “Okay...I knew this was coming...If you want to break this off—”  
  
“Oh heavens no!” She interrupts faster than she can stop herself. “I want to keep this—to have us...” She says hurriedly and her eyes widen. “If, that is agreeable with you.”  
  
“Agreeable with me?” Gianna asks confused. “Josephine, what about Carius?”  
  
“He’s a friend,” she emphasizes. “Besides, when I had found out his intentions were more than friendly, I had shut his advances down. I love you, Inquisitor. There is no doubt about it...but if you wish to terminate this...”  
  
“No, no, no!” Gianna says immediately, moving to hold her close. “I was just worried is all! I just thought you wanted Carius instead, given he could give you a stable, happy marriage...You wouldn’t have to worry about losing him or the end of the world—”  
  
“Enough of that now,” Josephine says, and for once, she is bold, taking the Inquisitor’s face in her hands. “This was a decision I chose. I want you in my life, Gianna.” She says the name softly, tender, like a promise between them. “I love you.”  
  
Gianna closes her eyes, and this is the second time, Josephine counts internally, she’s seen her cry as the Inquisitor pushes herself into Josephine’s hold, burying her face into the Ambassador’s neck and letting out a soft, muffled cry. “I love you...” Josephine whispers, her arms wrapped around the Inquisitor tightly. “I love you so much...”  
  
“I love you too, Josephine,” Gianna replies, voice muffled. “I love you more than life itself...”  
  
  



End file.
